Just about everyone experiences misery from time to time, and for some it is a constant—or all-too-frequent—companion. I certainly sometimes feel like I am spiraling or overwhelmed by negative thoughts.
We have our reasons for feeling this way, of course. There is much to be sad, worried, or anxious about in our world, be it political chaos or personal disappointment. For parents, we might worry and experience unhappiness when our child struggles at school, doesn’t make a sports team, or isn’t accepted to a preferred college.
The sources of misery are as diverse as the lives we lead. When in-laws try to dictate our family life, a friend ghosts us, or a boss increases our workload, it can affect our outlook or mindset for the worse. You may ruminate over the details, trying to parse out what you could have done or what someone else did to put you in your current state of mind.
“Some people are just not good at being happy,” writes two-time Pulitzer Prize finalist Percival Everett in his novel, Telephone. He delineates his main character’s feelings, adding “not that there’s anything wrong with being miserable.”
But, really, who wants to feel miserable even occasionally?
Why Do We Make Ourselves Miserable?
Lybi Ma, executive editor of Psychology Today, explains where misery comes from and what we can do to experience less of it in her book, “How to Be Less Miserable: End the Negative Mind Loops and Find Joy.”
“In our heads we replay ‘negative mind loops,’” Ma writes. We rehash, trying to figure out what happened and what we could have or should have done to fix it.
That’s a tall order because, as Ma tells us, “the mind automatically prefers to indulge in unfavorable and catastrophic thinking.” Neuroscience research shows this to be the case, but it also provides clues on how we can break out of the misery rut.
Freeing Yourself From Misery
Ma provides insight into our unhappiness and offers suggestions for turning the tide. Here are a few prompts to deprogram insistent negative thinking and reduce misery.
- Be aware. Recognizing “negative mind loops” and understanding when and how you experience these could help you turn away from them.
- Avoid or reduce time spent with people who drag you down. We unconsciously mimic the moods of others. Their negative attitudes and talk can “infect you” as you listen to or observe their unhelpful views. This can happen by being in the other person’s presence, regardless of whether we talk to that person or not.
- Abandon the idea of perfection. “Accepting our failures can put us out of misery” and keep us from self-sabotage or slipping into bad habits. View setbacks and failures as opportunities to understand ourselves differently, alter our personal expectations, or devise new strategies.
- Flip your negative thinking about outcomes. Think instead about what positive results are possible.
- Divorce yourself from the “musts” and “shoulds.” You choose your path.
- Think about your self-talk and conversations with others. What emotions come into play? “When we can identify our emotional states, we can better regulate how we feel,” Ma writes.
- Become a flexible thinker. “Fluid thinkers are less rigid and tend to reason quickly, problem solve effectively, and avoid roiling in catastrophe and disaster.” In short, take life as it comes and adjust accordingly.
- Lean heavily on hope. Hoping for the best, rather than expecting the worst, can help us break out of the negative loops and build resilience.
Misery Does Not Need Your Company
Lately, I’ve been paying close attention to what I obsess about and the conversations I have with friends, family, and colleagues. Much of it tilts negative. We all find ourselves in upsetting circumstances, but dwelling on or complaining about them only increases unhappiness.
Ma reminds us that “no one can save us from the miseries inside our heads. We have to do it ourselves.” Knowing this may allow us to choose paths and approaches that can make us happier. This can be a starter kit for being less miserable, and you may have a better shot at fending off the negative mind loops that keep you stuck. You’ll be better able to move beyond your misery into far brighter territory.
